Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
