If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
