If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize