I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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