My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
