after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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