y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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