i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
