if i can run in heels then i can drive
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I will pee on everything he values.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i believe in u and ur pee
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
