I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
