So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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