the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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