Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize