im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize