stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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