totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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