Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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