Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
