dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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