Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
