I hate all girls vehemently.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
