babies were throwing up all over the place
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
