I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
