I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
