Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
