So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
