Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
