Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
