I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
