i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
