I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
