I can text with my tongue
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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