there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
