Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Are we still banned from the library?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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