Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
