Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
