omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
