Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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