I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
