I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
