Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
