living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
