I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize