I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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