I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
