my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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