I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
