im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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