My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
