Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
