It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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