Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize