I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
