dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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