Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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