Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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