You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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