Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My penis needs a shock collar
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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