Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
