i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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