Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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