I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
