Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
